Inhibited.
by Sara
The girls are sleeping peacefully, Ajay and Satya have gone to Mumbai to say good-bye to Nana (Ajay’s maternal grandfather, and perhaps his most respected relative) who may not be alive tomorrow, and I am wide awake with my thoughts at three in the morning.
I have been participating in a film-making workshop at Shikshantar with Satya – ten, twelve-hour days with almost 40 other participants, including several children. We have started simply, taking a single shot that somehow reflects ourselves. I considered filming the hammock (tangled in the side yard jungle as it was, but still enticing), but decided upon the tethered bakri (goat) on the side of the road. I have seen her there most days, and once stopped to untangle her feet from the rope around the tree. I too feel tangled, impeded and not free to roam.
Last night, when Ajay was deciding whether or not he wanted to go say his last good-bye to his Nana, we both told each other that we felt inhibited. Him, to the extent that it was difficult to realize that of course he wanted to go. By using the phrase "if I were single…" he was able to see what was true about his feelings. The fact that I had brought a bottle full of water back from the headwaters of the Sindhu (Indus) River, which flows from the Himalayas (in Ladakh) into his ancestral land of Sindh (now in Pakistan) to offer to his grandfather, also helped clinch the decision. After all the sacred things that we had left undone in Davis for so long (like planting the buckeye, the placentas, Mawball’s ashes, etc.) I think we both realized the need to keep up with our intentions, and not let someone pass without the thoughtful offering we had procured.
Here we are – off on our family adventure, no strings attached, no need to earn money, honestly open to do what we please in a country where everything goes really, and we feel stuck. The bottom line, of course, is that we have yet to come to terms with how to live happily with the responsibility of three small children in our laps. We know people do it, but somehow we don’t seem able. I’ll stop speaking for Ajay here, and change to first person… It clearly doesn’t matter whether we are in suburbia or urban India, we I still have something major to work out.
I have been extremely reluctant to be home, both here and back in California. I know that I need to be "out" in the world right now – I get very sad if I’m not. I’ve been daydreaming a lot about a home on a lake in the Adirondacks – comfy, cushy chairs to sink into, walks in the woods and having a canoe and a horse or two.
Our home here remains unfurnished. We sleep on (custom made) mattresses (thin futons basically) on a concrete floor. We are doing no housework, laundry or cooking. Ajay has been quite productive in the garden, and enjoying good Indian cooking. Aside from some dishes that we enjoy (my current favorite is chowla – a dal made from fresh black-eyed peas), I think the kids and I have been getting by on rice, yogurt, fresh rotis (chapattis, pulkas, pan-pitas basically) and fruit, oh and chocolate milk!. We are trying to have a zero-waste home and resisting packaged goods – no cans of orange juice concentrate here (besides, we have no fridge). But Ramreet makes nimbu panni almost daily – fresh lime/lemon (it’s kind of in between the two) squeezed into a glass of water with a teaspoon of chini (sugar) mixed in. Violet loves to drink hers down and then scoop the leftover crystals out with her fingers. Tara, of course, follows suit.
The kids, particularly Violet and Tara, spend a good part of their days getting very dirty, then getting naked, painting on each other and then gleefully splashing outside on our veranda in the laundry tubs (an extra one bought expressly for this purpose). I make an effort to put clean clothes on them, and brush their hair before heading out into town in the afternoons – to Shikshantar’s office for example. Otherwise, they are generally quite unkempt – particularly in comparison to the neat, uniformed school children who pass by. Still, somehow, everyone always admires them – saying how sweet and cute they are. I feel that they are a bit of a cross between spoiled Americans and Indian street children. I suppose they are….
Violet’s hoards of mosquito bites are beginning to heal. Her forearms and calves were completely eaten up wearing sundresses. I’ve gotten a few salwar kameezes made for her now, although the tailor still doesn’t quite understand her proportions. "See my fat belly, Mom? she asks. "That’s my baby’s head!"
Violet and Satya have almost driven off our nanny. (It is difficult for me to use the word, and I feel Ajay almost rubs it in my face, but really, she is our "maid," not so much a nanny, although that was the intention). Manju Didi sweeps and washes our floors every day, handwashes, hangs, and folds all our clothes, helps Ramreet in the kitchen and watches over Tara when we feel a need to leave her home. She loves being with Tara, but Satya and Violet cannot be left alone with her. They are not trying to drive her off (although they do sometimes say so) but it is a bit like the nannies in the sound of music being scared off by frogs and such…)
The electricity just went out (and our neighbor’s generator just switched on). I can see my computer screen (I’m loving having a battery on this thing!) but not the keyboard, so I think it’s time to stop for now. Besides, I should get a little sleep before the mullahs (or who is that?) begin their pre-dawn amplified chantings…
Here’s the light again… and I still have more thoughts to put down.
Most homes here are vegetarian and many don’t eat eggs. Somehow, Ajay has decided that we too should not have meat or eggs in the house and we have been managing, although Satya has been asking for beef daily for the past week. Strangely, neither Satya nor Violet ever liked eating hamburgers in the US, but Satya has been asking for them here. When I reminded him about this, he said, right – a steak or rack of lamb would be much better.
On eggs…I just need to understand something (and I should also preface this by saying that I don’t enjoy eating them often): aren’t most eggs unfertilized? Unless they say so, of course. I can completely see why Indian vegetarians don’t eat fertile eggs – a potential life inside. But eating unfertilized eggs is even more innocuous than drinking cow’s milk in my opinion. Right? I guess I need to learn something about Indian poultry raising.
As for Satya, he arrived in Bombay this morning, visited Nana in the hospital, was taken to an aquarium and reminded of his love for seafood, and last I spoke to him, he had just finished his lobster and was starting in on a crab. He sounded quite content.
Back to Manju-ji for a moment. Three days ago Manju was about to hop on the next train back to Delhi. Satya and Violet had surprised her (with sticks in their hands) while sweeping and she held up the dustpan in defense, and Satya’s chin got cut. Satya took an extended time out, Violet (I think) learned by example, and Manju was so sad that a) a child had gotten hurt, b) the child was in trouble and c) these kids, whom she loves more than any others she has cared for, she told Ajay, don’t return that respect.
Enter our current parenting dilemma: Respect. As many of you know, our children are not dainty, shy, or soft-spoken. They are bold, extremely physical and seemingly unaware of how unwelcome their aggressiveness is (despite our frequent warnings). Many here shrug it off and invite them to wrestle with them, not realizing how gung-ho Satya and Violet are, thinking they will play with this child for a time. When it’s over, I can see the relief in their faces – once was enough. I know that it is my responsibility to help Satya and Violet unlearn this behavior, and with Tara now beginning to jump in, time is running out…
For starters I know they need more physical activity – not just a long, exhausting day, but fun, active play – (trampolines has been a recent request), swimming, bicycling, digging, etc. These are all things I love to do – but managing three who can’t all swim, bike or hold a shovel yet is CHALLENGING and one of the main reasons I keep daydreaming about that house on a lake – someplace where all these things are at my fingertips, rather than needing to "plan" an outing.
For example, Ajay has been taking Satya and Violet to the lake every morning for swimming before Tara wakes. Now that he’s gone, I’m not going because Tara’s bike seat is on Ajay’s bike, which I crashed with Satya on it the other day – I can’t ride it, and certainly don’t want to ride with Tara and Violet on it too. But I feel bad leaving Tara home when she loves swimming, so I just don’t go. This is the kind of stupid thing that gets in my way.
But beyond alternate physical activity, we/I need to learn ways to really model and teach respect. If I’m on it like a hawk with Satya, he can control his aggressiveness. Part of the agreement that he attends the film-making workshop with me, is that he does not jump on anyone and controls his temper. So far, pretty good. Violet, similarly needs not to be given an opportunity to be physical with others, and at best, is involved in an activity separate from Satya. But still… somewhere inside they need the lesson that we are gentle with others, with or without a parent watching or warning. Period.
Here come the mullahs. More on housework and ambitions next time.
Clearly, I won’t be sleeping tonight – too many thoughts.
Tara and Violet have been such sweet sisters these days. Violet came up with the idea to do Tara’s hair the other day and she put in two hair ties. She says Mama you do my hair and Tara I’ll do yours. Tara has acquiesced several times since. It’s just the sort of stuff that makes me happy to have two little girls (and I’m just beginning to get used to it – now that they are acting like two little girls, instead of little kid and baby).
I’ve also realized that I get the toys I like for the children, that is to say, they are the ones I want to play with, collect, etc. And because of this, I think I have been too materialistic and focused on ownership (one of Ajay’s pet peeves). Perhaps I should pick things/make toys for myself, let the kids pick/make their own, and let them manage whether they get lost or broken. And then again, I wonder if my attention to our playthings helps them respect them/care for them better. Are toys meant to be disposable, or preserverd? In writing this I think I’m realizing that they really are better toys if it doesn’t matter what happens to them. I’ve been way to controlling and concerned about their things – I guess because they are a)heirloom quality and b) I like them and c) I don’t want stupid plastic things, so I’ve bought expensive cloth and wood toys… get over the money thing, Sara, Toys are toys.
Satya never wrote on our walls, Violet did once, Tara has been serious about it and now I’m finally doing what I’ve wanted to for a long time: encouraging them to write on the walls! Violet looked like a real artist yesterday with her watercolor palette painting our main room wall. Hey, why not! a) I want to play with it, b) it needs painting and c) keeping up with paper is a hassle!. This girl wants to paint! I know that Satya didn’t paint as much as he wanted to because I was reluctant to get the materials out often enough, not wanting to deal with the mess.
The girls are sleeping peacefully, Ajay and Satya have gone to Mumbai to say good-bye to Nana (Ajay’s maternal grandfather, and perhaps his most respected relative) who may not be alive tomorrow, and I am wide awake with my thoughts at three in the morning.
I have been participating in a film-making workshop at Shikshantar with Satya – ten, twelve-hour days with almost 40 other participants, including several children. We have started simply, taking a single shot that somehow reflects ourselves. I considered filming the hammock (tangled in the side yard jungle as it was, but still enticing), but decided upon the tethered bakri (goat) on the side of the road. I have seen her there most days, and once stopped to untangle her feet from the rope around the tree. I too feel tangled, impeded and not free to roam.
Last night, when Ajay was deciding whether or not he wanted to go say his last good-bye to his Nana, we both told each other that we felt inhibited. Him, to the extent that it was difficult to realize that of course he wanted to go. By using the phrase "if I were single…" he was able to see what was true about his feelings. The fact that I had brought a bottle full of water back from the headwaters of the Sindhu (Indus) River, which flows from the Himalayas (in Ladakh) into his ancestral land of Sindh (now in Pakistan) to offer to his grandfather, also helped clinch the decision. After all the sacred things that we had left undone in Davis for so long (like planting the buckeye, the placentas, Mawball’s ashes, etc.) I think we both realized the need to keep up with our intentions, and not let someone pass without the thoughtful offering we had procured.
Here we are – off on our family adventure, no strings attached, no need to earn money, honestly open to do what we please in a country where everything goes really, and we feel stuck. The bottom line, of course, is that we have yet to come to terms with how to live happily with the responsibility of three small children in our laps. We know people do it, but somehow we don’t seem able. I’ll stop speaking for Ajay here, and change to first person… It clearly doesn’t matter whether we are in suburbia or urban India, we I still have something major to work out.
I have been extremely reluctant to be home, both here and back in California. I know that I need to be "out" in the world right now – I get very sad if I’m not. I’ve been daydreaming a lot about a home on a lake in the Adirondacks – comfy, cushy chairs to sink into, walks in the woods and having a canoe and a horse or two.
Our home here remains unfurnished. We sleep on (custom made) mattresses (thin futons basically) on a concrete floor. We are doing no housework, laundry or cooking. Ajay has been quite productive in the garden, and enjoying good Indian cooking. Aside from some dishes that we enjoy (my current favorite is chowla – a dal made from fresh black-eyed peas), I think the kids and I have been getting by on rice, yogurt, fresh rotis (chapattis, pulkas, pan-pitas basically) and fruit, oh and chocolate milk!. We are trying to have a zero-waste home and resisting packaged goods – no cans of orange juice concentrate here (besides, we have no fridge). But Ramreet makes nimbu panni almost daily – fresh lime/lemon (it’s kind of in between the two) squeezed into a glass of water with a teaspoon of chini (sugar) mixed in. Violet loves to drink hers down and then scoop the leftover crystals out with her fingers. Tara, of course, follows suit.
The kids, particularly Violet and Tara, spend a good part of their days getting very dirty, then getting naked, painting on each other and then gleefully splashing outside on our veranda in the laundry tubs (an extra one bought expressly for this purpose). I make an effort to put clean clothes on them, and brush their hair before heading out into town in the afternoons – to Shikshantar’s office for example. Otherwise, they are generally quite unkempt – particularly in comparison to the neat, uniformed school children who pass by. Still, somehow, everyone always admires them – saying how sweet and cute they are. I feel that they are a bit of a cross between spoiled Americans and Indian street children. I suppose they are….
Violet’s hoards of mosquito bites are beginning to heal. Her forearms and calves were completely eaten up wearing sundresses. I’ve gotten a few salwar kameezes made for her now, although the tailor still doesn’t quite understand her proportions. "See my fat belly, Mom? she asks. "That’s my baby’s head!"
Violet and Satya have almost driven off our nanny. (It is difficult for me to use the word, and I feel Ajay almost rubs it in my face, but really, she is our "maid," not so much a nanny, although that was the intention). Manju Didi sweeps and washes our floors every day, handwashes, hangs, and folds all our clothes, helps Ramreet in the kitchen and watches over Tara when we feel a need to leave her home. She loves being with Tara, but Satya and Violet cannot be left alone with her. They are not trying to drive her off (although they do sometimes say so) but it is a bit like the nannies in the sound of music being scared off by frogs and such…)
The electricity just went out (and our neighbor’s generator just switched on). I can see my computer screen (I’m loving having a battery on this thing!) but not the keyboard, so I think it’s time to stop for now. Besides, I should get a little sleep before the mullahs (or who is that?) begin their pre-dawn amplified chantings…
Here’s the light again… and I still have more thoughts to put down.
Most homes here are vegetarian and many don’t eat eggs. Somehow, Ajay has decided that we too should not have meat or eggs in the house and we have been managing, although Satya has been asking for beef daily for the past week. Strangely, neither Satya nor Violet ever liked eating hamburgers in the US, but Satya has been asking for them here. When I reminded him about this, he said, right – a steak or rack of lamb would be much better.
On eggs…I just need to understand something (and I should also preface this by saying that I don’t enjoy eating them often): aren’t most eggs unfertilized? Unless they say so, of course. I can completely see why Indian vegetarians don’t eat fertile eggs – a potential life inside. But eating unfertilized eggs is even more innocuous than drinking cow’s milk in my opinion. Right? I guess I need to learn something about Indian poultry raising.
As for Satya, he arrived in Bombay this morning, visited Nana in the hospital, was taken to an aquarium and reminded of his love for seafood, and last I spoke to him, he had just finished his lobster and was starting in on a crab. He sounded quite content.
Back to Manju-ji for a moment. Three days ago Manju was about to hop on the next train back to Delhi. Satya and Violet had surprised her (with sticks in their hands) while sweeping and she held up the dustpan in defense, and Satya’s chin got cut. Satya took an extended time out, Violet (I think) learned by example, and Manju was so sad that a) a child had gotten hurt, b) the child was in trouble and c) these kids, whom she loves more than any others she has cared for, she told Ajay, don’t return that respect.
Enter our current parenting dilemma: Respect. As many of you know, our children are not dainty, shy, or soft-spoken. They are bold, extremely physical and seemingly unaware of how unwelcome their aggressiveness is (despite our frequent warnings). Many here shrug it off and invite them to wrestle with them, not realizing how gung-ho Satya and Violet are, thinking they will play with this child for a time. When it’s over, I can see the relief in their faces – once was enough. I know that it is my responsibility to help Satya and Violet unlearn this behavior, and with Tara now beginning to jump in, time is running out…
For starters I know they need more physical activity – not just a long, exhausting day, but fun, active play – (trampolines has been a recent request), swimming, bicycling, digging, etc. These are all things I love to do – but managing three who can’t all swim, bike or hold a shovel yet is CHALLENGING and one of the main reasons I keep daydreaming about that house on a lake – someplace where all these things are at my fingertips, rather than needing to "plan" an outing.
For example, Ajay has been taking Satya and Violet to the lake every morning for swimming before Tara wakes. Now that he’s gone, I’m not going because Tara’s bike seat is on Ajay’s bike, which I crashed with Satya on it the other day – I can’t ride it, and certainly don’t want to ride with Tara and Violet on it too. But I feel bad leaving Tara home when she loves swimming, so I just don’t go. This is the kind of stupid thing that gets in my way.
But beyond alternate physical activity, we/I need to learn ways to really model and teach respect. If I’m on it like a hawk with Satya, he can control his aggressiveness. Part of the agreement that he attends the film-making workshop with me, is that he does not jump on anyone and controls his temper. So far, pretty good. Violet, similarly needs not to be given an opportunity to be physical with others, and at best, is involved in an activity separate from Satya. But still… somewhere inside they need the lesson that we are gentle with others, with or without a parent watching or warning. Period.
Here come the mullahs. More on housework and ambitions next time.
Clearly, I won’t be sleeping tonight – too many thoughts.
Tara and Violet have been such sweet sisters these days. Violet came up with the idea to do Tara’s hair the other day and she put in two hair ties. She says Mama you do my hair and Tara I’ll do yours. Tara has acquiesced several times since. It’s just the sort of stuff that makes me happy to have two little girls (and I’m just beginning to get used to it – now that they are acting like two little girls, instead of little kid and baby).
I’ve also realized that I get the toys I like for the children, that is to say, they are the ones I want to play with, collect, etc. And because of this, I think I have been too materialistic and focused on ownership (one of Ajay’s pet peeves). Perhaps I should pick things/make toys for myself, let the kids pick/make their own, and let them manage whether they get lost or broken. And then again, I wonder if my attention to our playthings helps them respect them/care for them better. Are toys meant to be disposable, or preserverd? In writing this I think I’m realizing that they really are better toys if it doesn’t matter what happens to them. I’ve been way to controlling and concerned about their things – I guess because they are a)heirloom quality and b) I like them and c) I don’t want stupid plastic things, so I’ve bought expensive cloth and wood toys… get over the money thing, Sara, Toys are toys.
Satya never wrote on our walls, Violet did once, Tara has been serious about it and now I’m finally doing what I’ve wanted to for a long time: encouraging them to write on the walls! Violet looked like a real artist yesterday with her watercolor palette painting our main room wall. Hey, why not! a) I want to play with it, b) it needs painting and c) keeping up with paper is a hassle!. This girl wants to paint! I know that Satya didn’t paint as much as he wanted to because I was reluctant to get the materials out often enough, not wanting to deal with the mess.
Here is a major perk of an unfurnished, cement floored- home: easy clean up, and hard to wreck!
There are so many things I’d like to do here:
Spend a morning sorting through the local tailor’s scraps for making a quilt
and/or doll clothes
Spend time learning how to make clothes – I knew how to
use a machine and sew from patterns – but I’ve never made a pattern of my own
from measurements
Swim more
Take walks around town (I’ve got a bike now,
and I’m already missing walking.)
Learn how to do traditional style appliqué
and quilting stitches
PAINT and DRAW – I really want to get over my
limitations about drawing and get into some real painting – big brushes – big
colors – big canvas.
Just before leaving Davis, I was gifted a basket full of acrylics and a big canvas. (Thanks Terri!) I stayed up one night and used up most of the paint creating some great textures and mixes and what turned out like some mum-like flowers....
posted by Sara and Ajay at 11:53 PM
0 comments
